How to Make the Right Choice
“Life is a sum of all our choices.” ~ Albert Camus
Later this week, I’m going to make a choice between buying a VW Atlas or a Honda Pilot. Is this a big decision? It may seem like it on the surface, but it probably isn't in the larger scheme of life. I won’t be on my deathbed one day thinking to myself, “Shoot! I should have bought the Pilot! No!!!” I use the deathbed test to figure out just how much mental and emotional energy to spend on a decision.
Take another choice, “Should I go to the gym today?” This may seem like a much less important decision than what car to buy, but it influences a whole series of decisions around health. Taken together, the whole series of decisions around going to the gym will affect your life significantly. This is also true with decisions like how you will treat your partner or kids. These decisions are ones which you will either live to regret or cherish.
“I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Results around health or the quality of relationships are generally determined not by one momentous decision, but by many small decisions made day-to-day. Who you are today is a result of past decisions. Who you are tomorrow is a result of the decisions made today. I would even go as far as to say that life is about making choices. Who you are and who you will become is a product of the choices you make.
But how do we make good choices? Let’s set up an example. You’re driving home and someone cuts you off and nearly runs you off the road. How do you choose to respond?
Initially, you will feel a bit (or a lot) of anger. This is natural and is the animal part of you responding to a threat. Some people then fly into a rage, and some people collect themselves and continue on calmly. We can agree that a calm response is preferable over road rage. To choose to respond calmly requires awareness. This awareness comes from separating your awareness of yourself in the situation from your instinctual reaction to the situation. You can choose how you will respond once you separate your awareness from your thoughts, feelings, and reactions.
“You are not your thoughts; you are aware of your thoughts. You are not your emotions; you feel emotions. You are not your body; you look at it in the mirror and experience this world through its eyes and ears.” ~ Michael Singer
Building your awareness is not an easy process. Often, meditation and mindfulness practices help. It takes practice. Let’s say you were successful in not getting dragged into an instinctual response. What are your choices? For the sake of simplicity, there are two main choices, a choice towards growth and a choice towards comfort.
Consider a choice that you are in the process of making. One choice represents the path of growth, and the other represents the path of comfort. Perhaps you are thinking about how to handle a difficult situation at work or making a personal choice about your career. Years ago, I had to make a choice between staying at a job in Michigan (safe and comfortable) or taking a new role in Utah (risky but a great opportunity for growth). Lean into the decision, and use your intuition to discern which is the path of growth and which is the path of comfort (and stagnation).
“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.” ~ Abraham Maslow
I generally have a shortcut to figure out which is the choice of growth, which is that the decision of growth will involve more emotional labor. Imagine that you go to the gym to develop your physical strength; you will need to lift heavier and heavier weights. That’s physical labor. If you want to grow as a person, instead of lifting physical weights, you’re enduring emotional labor. That’s the effort that will result in a different kind of muscle.
One more tool for you to make the right choice. Consider what is the value that you want to stand for in any given situation. Let’s say that someone treated you in a way that you didn’t like. You summon your awareness to not react but instead to make a choice. You choose to respond according to the value of “understanding” and give the other person the benefit of the doubt; maybe they were having a bad day. You respond in an understanding way. This will take emotional labor, but you will gain muscle in your character. If you make the right choice repeatedly (no need to be perfect though), you will reap the rewards of a life well-lived.
“Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
